Piece of cake

Today I was teaching 5 year olds. First of all the day started with a discussion of the fresh baked Christmas cookies a mum had brought in for her new girl daughter to offer round after fruit time, and there were enough for teachers too, she said. We needed to check who could and couldn't have them. (What about me I thought - not big cookies - I've been pretty good - I can have treats sometimes if they aren't big ... I didn't decide.)

At morning tea time we sat in a circle. The children were eating pieces of cut fresh fruit and I got out my banana. It was a huge banana but there were lots of black bits in it, so I thought that by the time I left them all out, it would probably turn out to be the right size. I was just biting around the second mushy patch when the teaching assistant turned up with some cake on a plate. It was another teacher's birthday and she'd sent us a piece each. Did I want mine now or later? Now this is not ordinary looking cake. It has swirls of slight colour variations and of things that aren't straight cake. I was instantly in impulse eating territory.

Having already wondered and pretty much decided to eat a cookie, part of my barrier, my "No thanks" habit, was already damaged. The now or later question also tended to go round that. Any way, I said, "Now". I put the banana away. It had heaps of icing though, so I peeled that off. Then just as I started eating it, I wondered, "What kind of cake is this?" The first impulse had been "Looks yummy". Now I was remembering how amazed and horrified I'd been when I checked the calories on caramel mud cake. It did look a bit like caramel mud cake too. Well, it was a small piece and I definitely wasn't eating the icing. I checked the calories in mudcake from The Cheesecake Shop back in April just before my weight war collapsed - Boston Mudcake was 685 calories for 1/12 of a cake.

Well it wasn't as big a piece as that, and actually it's the sugar spike I'm more concerned with right now, the thing that might knock my whole plan around. Should I have treats from time to time, including food that is shockingly high in calories? I think so. But even then it should happen in a way that's not likely to start spikes and falls in my blood sugar. Cake should be a small piece attached to a meal. It should be something decided on, not eaten on impulse. It should be enjoyed. It shouldn't be eaten awkwardly and lead to instant regret. This piece of cake did cause instant regret!. Anyway, I was thinking that though there's sugar in the fruit, I think oranges and apples might be considered low GI, and I saw something about low GI foods helping minimize sugar spikes that might be caused by other foods so I ate a couple of pieces of orange and a couple of pieces of apple. I didn't really know if that would make things better or worse. I crossed my fingers and did it with good intentions. (I don't usually eat their fruit but I felt a bit urgent about it, and the kids were about to give up on eating what they had.)

Good news. I had an okay day. I ate a normal lunch. I came home and ate a normal snack - though with more sense of hunger than usual. I ate a normal dinner. Afterwards I did feel a bit hungry and had half a tub of yoghurt. Then I watched a tv show and felt a bit hungry. I told myself I shouldn't take notice of that hunger though because it might be related to mucking up the food. Then I noticed how sleepy I was and thought it might be related to being sleepy. Also, watching tv has sometimes made me want to eat (though usually without feeling hungry). I didn't act on the feeling of hunger. I decided on an early night. I coped, yet again with an hour of tv without eating. (I feel proud of that. I used to just binge with tv, or avoid tv. Being able to watch, and not get frantic is a really good sign for me. Also, I like being able to to watch sometimes and my daughter and like to share a show with sometimes, which is what I did tonight.

I feel a bit more empty and a bit smaller round the middle today. Maybe I am.

Summary: I ate a piece of cake. It tasted good but I was sorry I did. I don't think it was a good choice to eat it when and how I did.

Also, though I didn't eat them, there were Christmas cookies! It's an awkward time of year. I really don't want that to mess up what I'm doing. I don't want to try and avoid every temptation or say no to everything though. I want to be able to just have one little thing maybe and say to myself that when I do that, I'm choosing the sustainable path.

I did actually lose weight, in the lead up to Christmas last year. I think I may have lost some of it a bit fast - but maybe not. I did lose it though. I was on the equivalent of my lowest weight on Christmas Eve. Christmas though - I overate, and let myself feel overfull and then I kept going on the leftovers at our house - and then I gained, and then I thought I needed to lose it superfast. It was a pain. That's what I don't want. I don't want the erratic eating. I don't want to eat till I feel overfull. I don't want to have the attitude that I better eat it while I can. Making the most of opportunities to eat is definitely a mind set from my worst eating self, my binge eating self. I didn't do that today. What I did today, and the way I did it was ok, in itself. It could be a negative, though, if it set me up to repeatedly have immensely high calories snacks, or if it was a trigger for me to try to make up for eating it by going without the food I need to sustain control.

Amazing how many words I can devote to one piece of cake. I really never got over reading that figure of 685 calories per piece!! Some "food" is just so full of fat and sugar that it's crazy. It really does have to be dealt with carefully.