I am so tired right now. I don't really remember doing so much, that I would be tired like this. Also, though I ended up going to bed late, I still slept for 7 and a half hours last night. However, I had other late nights previously, I shopped a lot today, and did a bit around the house. Also, it was fairly warm today and I think that made me feel a bit sluggish. I drank a lot of water which helped. I've had enough food for the moment, but within the last hour I've had a snack (a tin of baked beans, because I thought I'd have to wait a while for dinner) and a meal (because I didn't have to wait a while for dinner - a mild seafood curry with rice). Overall that's made the hour a bit high in carbs.
This is probably the trickiest moment I've had so far. It's about 7:10 pm. I've had my evening meal early and I've briefly dozed off in front of the computer. I read something a while back about Days 4-5 being the hardest for people coming off sugar, but I haven't found that to be the case for me previously.
Saturdays have been bad though, and being tired is bad. If I was just sleepy it would be easier for me to talk myself into a walk, and I think that would be my best option for changing this dodgy feeling I have, but my feet and legs are aching again from the shopping. Also, if I go to sleep now, I will wake later, and be in a worse state as far as wanting to eat goes. Right now I don't want to all that much. If this had been last week though, I would be eating now. Tired like this, I don't have enough energy to take a proper interest in anything, so I feel blah and bored. I feel like nothing matters much and my brain's just not switched on. This has been a big issue for me in the past. I recognize this state as being one that has consistently led to me binge eating.
I was thinking though, if I mess up the food now... then I thought, I won't. I won't mess it up now because it's taken so long to get to this stage. The thought of being stuck the way I am now, when I can see the other way so clearly, is a powerful idea.
When I first started eating badly this year, I would find that I'd mess up, fix myself up, mess up again, still be able to fix it again, and I got a bit blase about being able to get back on track, because I could and would manage it, for a few days at a time. I was even pleased at the idea that I'd learned how to do turn things around. Previously, I'd been thinking it was something I might not be able to do.
Also, I'd already lost so much weight by then, that I was convinced I couldn't end up as fat as that again. I guess I thought I had wriggle room - that the worst that would happen, was that I would be a bit fatter. I wasn't persistent enough and eventually I felt I had no control at all over my eating. It's taken a long time to feel that I can turn that round again. Now I have no kind of wriggle room of any kind! Trying to get dressed is really painful. It's bad because I don't like how I look, but what really bothers me more, is that my stomach is in the way and presses on my lungs when I try to reach down to pull on pants, and socks and shoes. I can't breathe properly, and I can't reach properly. I can't stand that. Maybe that was what helped me to change last time at this same weight. I've noticed that it's only recently become quite as bad as it is. I suppose there are particular physical limits for various things and I've crossed one. I'm not quite sure of my weight. I put it on that chart in my first post, but it was an estimate based on the crummy scales I have at home here. However, they are showing a weight that I reckon is close to what it was when I started 2 years ago, and my feeling about how I feel, and what I think I look like, is similar. Therefore, my weight must be around the level that's considered morbidly obese. Morbidly. Like a death risk.
At any rate, the good news is that even one day of eating better, makes me feel more healthy than a bad day, and I know that eating well for a few days will help a lot, and eating well for a few weeks will help heaps. It will take a long time for me to be happy about my clothes again, but much less time, for me to feel more physically able. Of course there's an exercise component needed too.
And more good news. Typing this has taken me through the sleepy blahs. I feel a lot more normal and in control again. We have daylight saving, so there's quite enough time left for me to go for a bit of a walk before dark. I'll take the dog. That will make her happy. Also I'll time myself. That will make the walk seem a bit more useful to me for the future. I can't imagine walking too fast.
I almost let myself walk out for an afternoon of shopping without eating lunch. That would have been a real problem. Fortunately, at the last minute I noticed my tummy was empty and took time to grab a pack of food which I ate on the way. I made a sandwich with the flavoured lite tuna. It was really yummy. I haven't had that for ages but I expect I'll have more again soon. It would be a handy thing to keep with crackers in the glove box of the car too.
I've had a nice walk now, good for focusing. I had to muck around with the dog's ear cream before I went, so I left at 8:20 and the streetlights started to come on. I guess that's a bit late in some ways, but I could still see and I loved hearing all the little frogs croaking all round the place. I was so sure one of them was right near the path, but it must have been one of those glass bodied frogs because there was nowhere for it to hide, but I couldn't see it. A couple of houses had put up their Christmas lights too. One of them is just a cascade of colour.
Tonight the walk took 30 minutes. (Not 29 or 31! How weird.) Straight to the nearest park, then through the school, through a teeny patch of bush (which I love because I get to crunch on the fallen wattle leaves and it reminds me strongly of my happy childhood), down to the rec centre (15 min 15 secs), and then around the edge of the oval and home.
I've done that walk many times, but not since last summer - or maybe even earlier than that. I was very conscious of what was different. 30 minutes is slow. My joints felt fine but my tummy felt bloated. I just felt much too aware of it sitting out there in front of me, somehow attached, but totally superfluous and weighty. I don't remember ever stretching to a full stride and noticing my thigh fat bump against my belly fat before either. Not nice.
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