My notebook and the torte

Day 5

I wrote a piece of this blog while I was out today. I'd taken my daughter and her friend into the city to go shopping.

A lot going on in my mind right now. I have a moment to sit down- really I want to eat lunch but it's a little awkward to do that for a minute. I'm glad I have a fair sized notebook to write in. It's about A5 size.

The day I bought it I was working, yet again, on ideas on how to get over bingeing. I was writing a few things based on ideas from a book about bulimia, which had been kind enough to suggest that the ideas might apply to binge eaters. I say kind enough, because if it hadn't made that comment, I would just have thought that there were no books at all in my local library that could help me, despite a multitude of books about eating problems. I did get a little help from the book, perhaps partly from the idea that this was something I could try to work on by myself, but also from the ideas in it.

Anyway, when I saw this little notebook with a tree on the front made from the words "for life", I thought it was a sign that it was made for me. Since then, the binge eating work fell by the way (resting, not forgotten), but though the book was a little bulky to carry around, I kept it for moments when I wanted to jot down ideas for a project, or for to do lists, and shopping lists and whatever.

I was thinking recently that as writing on-line was a big help to my last weight loss and as I'm planning to use it a lot this time, I need a back up for when I can't get on-line and this book would be handy for moments like this.


















I got up late and ate breakfast late. I started getting ready to come shopping about 11:45 but had a few things to fit in first and remembered only at the last minute, again, about lunch. I grabbed exactly the same things as yesterday, and figured there'd be a moment sometime when I could eat them. I'm so glad I did.

It turned out that not only was there the normal issue of being hungry and wanting some food and most of the options being bad ones, but today was worse. I used to spend a lot of time in the city when I was younger. I worked there for 7 years, and before that I constantly walked through it to change buses. It looks a lot different now, and most of the store names have changed. But then we walking down Hay St. It was after 2:00 and I was getting really hungry and right there, was The Forum coffee shop - still there after all this time. It was back in the days when a coffee shop was run like a little a la carte restaurant that I'd go in there, latest novel in hand and sit in an old fashioned booth, snug as a bug in a rug, and read, and order and read and eat. No need to queue or give anyone my name or carry a stick with a number on it, just snuggle down, read and be brought yummy food. And the thing is. I used to eat some nice sandwiches there, but I also used to eat the most wonderful torte. Continental torte they called it. Layers of sponge and custard and cream and a pastry base with profiteroles on the edges. Oh my how it called out to me!!! I was really wanting it but I was also really alarmed thinking, "But but but I am not - I do not want - I do not want to have that life."

I really do not want the life where I eat what I feel like, and that controls everything else about me, and cripples my body.

At any rate, we went passed the coffee shop, we ended up in a food hall and I sat at a table writing, waiting for the girls to bring back their unappetising food. I did dip my carrot in my daughter's gravy for a joke (it was a good joke in context of the conversation), and it tasted pretty good! So I did it some more. That tinned tuna sandwich tasted as wonderful as anything I could have bought there. I was really happy with it. The writing helped too. It quickly helped me calm down and feel less frantic about eating, and less interested in the multitude of food on offer around me.

Scary sleepy blahs and a little walk near home.

Day 4

I am so tired right now. I don't really remember doing so much, that I would be tired like this. Also, though I ended up going to bed late, I still slept for 7 and a half hours last night. However, I had other late nights previously, I shopped a lot today, and did a bit around the house. Also, it was fairly warm today and I think that made me feel a bit sluggish. I drank a lot of water which helped. I've had enough food for the moment, but within the last hour I've had a snack (a tin of baked beans, because I thought I'd have to wait a while for dinner) and a meal (because I didn't have to wait a while for dinner - a mild seafood curry with rice). Overall that's made the hour a bit high in carbs.

This is probably the trickiest moment I've had so far. It's about 7:10 pm. I've had my evening meal early and I've briefly dozed off in front of the computer. I read something a while back about Days 4-5 being the hardest for people coming off sugar, but I haven't found that to be the case for me previously.

Saturdays have been bad though, and being tired is bad. If I was just sleepy it would be easier for me to talk myself into a walk, and I think that would be my best option for changing this dodgy feeling I have, but my feet and legs are aching again from the shopping. Also, if I go to sleep now, I will wake later, and be in a worse state as far as wanting to eat goes. Right now I don't want to all that much. If this had been last week though, I would be eating now. Tired like this, I don't have enough energy to take a proper interest in anything, so I feel blah and bored. I feel like nothing matters much and my brain's just not switched on. This has been a big issue for me in the past. I recognize this state as being one that has consistently led to me binge eating.

I was thinking though, if I mess up the food now... then I thought, I won't. I won't mess it up now because it's taken so long to get to this stage. The thought of being stuck the way I am now, when I can see the other way so clearly, is a powerful idea.

When I first started eating badly this year, I would find that I'd mess up, fix myself up, mess up again, still be able to fix it again, and I got a bit blase about being able to get back on track, because I could and would manage it, for a few days at a time. I was even pleased at the idea that I'd learned how to do turn things around. Previously, I'd been thinking it was something I might not be able to do.

Also, I'd already lost so much weight by then, that I was convinced I couldn't end up as fat as that again. I guess I thought I had wriggle room - that the worst that would happen, was that I would be a bit fatter. I wasn't persistent enough and eventually I felt I had no control at all over my eating. It's taken a long time to feel that I can turn that round again. Now I have no kind of wriggle room of any kind! Trying to get dressed is really painful. It's bad because I don't like how I look, but what really bothers me more, is that my stomach is in the way and presses on my lungs when I try to reach down to pull on pants, and socks and shoes. I can't breathe properly, and I can't reach properly. I can't stand that. Maybe that was what helped me to change last time at this same weight. I've noticed that it's only recently become quite as bad as it is. I suppose there are particular physical limits for various things and I've crossed one. I'm not quite sure of my weight. I put it on that chart in my first post, but it was an estimate based on the crummy scales I have at home here. However, they are showing a weight that I reckon is close to what it was when I started 2 years ago, and my feeling about how I feel, and what I think I look like, is similar. Therefore, my weight must be around the level that's considered morbidly obese. Morbidly. Like a death risk.

At any rate, the good news is that even one day of eating better, makes me feel more healthy than a bad day, and I know that eating well for a few days will help a lot, and eating well for a few weeks will help heaps. It will take a long time for me to be happy about my clothes again, but much less time, for me to feel more physically able. Of course there's an exercise component needed too.

And more good news. Typing this has taken me through the sleepy blahs. I feel a lot more normal and in control again. We have daylight saving, so there's quite enough time left for me to go for a bit of a walk before dark. I'll take the dog. That will make her happy. Also I'll time myself. That will make the walk seem a bit more useful to me for the future. I can't imagine walking too fast.

I almost let myself walk out for an afternoon of shopping without eating lunch. That would have been a real problem. Fortunately, at the last minute I noticed my tummy was empty and took time to grab a pack of food which I ate on the way. I made a sandwich with the flavoured lite tuna. It was really yummy. I haven't had that for ages but I expect I'll have more again soon. It would be a handy thing to keep with crackers in the glove box of the car too.



I've had a nice walk now, good for focusing. I had to muck around with the dog's ear cream before I went, so I left at 8:20 and the streetlights started to come on. I guess that's a bit late in some ways, but I could still see and I loved hearing all the little frogs croaking all round the place. I was so sure one of them was right near the path, but it must have been one of those glass bodied frogs because there was nowhere for it to hide, but I couldn't see it. A couple of houses had put up their Christmas lights too. One of them is just a cascade of colour.

Tonight the walk took 30 minutes. (Not 29 or 31! How weird.) Straight to the nearest park, then through the school, through a teeny patch of bush (which I love because I get to crunch on the fallen wattle leaves and it reminds me strongly of my happy childhood), down to the rec centre (15 min 15 secs), and then around the edge of the oval and home.

I've done that walk many times, but not since last summer - or maybe even earlier than that. I was very conscious of what was different. 30 minutes is slow. My joints felt fine but my tummy felt bloated. I just felt much too aware of it sitting out there in front of me, somehow attached, but totally superfluous and weighty. I don't remember ever stretching to a full stride and noticing my thigh fat bump against my belly fat before either. Not nice.

First Walk

Day 3

Today I went for the first bush walk I've had in a while. My husband and I went with our dog into an Open Space nearby. It was a short walk - not very energetic but a step up from no walk and no exercise, which is what I've been getting recently.

The bush always seems to have something happening. The spring flowers are done but there will be various trees blooming over summer.

These yellow banksias will be blooming for a while yet.





















There was a little blue tongued goanna near the track too, but he didn't like us staring at him much, and waddled off.













I spent quite a while working out what I can do with this blog. I believe it will be an important element in making this weight loss happen, mainly because of the way it helps me keep focused and conscious.

I ate quite well. I did get preoccupied and let myself skip an afternoon snack which wasn't so great because then I was feeling famished while I was trying to visit places offering poor food choices and prepare the evening meal.

I am going to try a small change to the way I was eating when I was losing weight last time. That time, I was concerned that any deviation from the exact plan I had in mind might make it too hard for me to continue, so I was very rigid. This time, I want to start out more flexibly and I'm hoping that will be a part of the changes that make this more successful in the longer term. I want to be more used to having small amounts of food that isn't too healthy.

My husband and I have had a tradition of making Friday night meals a little more special than the others. I don't know quite what is happening with that now. However, we had some nice fish tonight. I've cut back on that a bit lately because fresh fish is so expensive. Tonight's was crimson snapper I think and cost about $32 a kg.


I let it sit in some fresh lime juice, chilli and parsley while I prepared the veges tonight, then dusted it with flour and fried it in a very little extra virgin olive oil. I had intended to use coriander rather than parsley and I think that's nicer, but I misled myself about what herbs we had.







The other normal healthy aspects of the meal were a microwaved potato instead of fried chips, and plenty of salad.










The elements that were a little less healthy and which I have firmly flagged as "only sometimes" and "portion control!" were, a glass of white wine, 1/2 an avocado in my portion of the salad, and about 5 fried chips. I wondered whether this is too close to the beginning of the change to be experimenting, but the chips and avocado just add calories. They don't tend to make me feel like eating crazily. The wine of course is the more dangerous because of the way alcohol tends to relax inhibitions. (Especially inhibitions that may not be all that firm, like the one I have about unsuitable food!)

I've been taking too long to do this, and am heading late to bed again. I know I can do this to an extent, regardless of how much sleep I have, but I also know it will be heaps easier and a lot more likely to work long term if make sure I get plenty!

Instead of "fast" food

Day 2

I feel happy about what I did today. Yesterday I ate fairly well. Today was even better, and I am not feeling hungry or anxious, just comfortable. I got just a little proper exercise today. I was busy as busy though. Kids, work, kids, husband, dog, shopping, kids, kids, dinner, kids, shopping, kids. (I got some aerobics in because it was part of what was happening where I worked today.) My feet are hurting all the way up to my thighs.

I hadn't realized how late it was before starting dinner either, so my husband suggested take-away. It was certainly an appealing idea because I REALLY REALLY didn't want to be standing up again. However, by then I had been sitting down for a bit and the idea of eating something that would drag me away from healthy food so soon after I'd started was too much.

I hadn't shopped for the meal and I was aiming at low effort, so I grilled some skinless chicken thigh fillets (frozen flat), and added microwaved jacket potatoes, and the only veges I had - carrots and green beans which I also microwaved. When I first jumped up to cook, I was concerned that for me the meal wouldn't have enough vegetables to seem substantial so I added tinned asparagus, and to add some variety for the kids I also added tinned corn. Tinned food can be incredibly handy instead of "fast" food. It gives a lot more control over things like fat and calories. Also it's faster! I was pretty tired and not really on the ball though, so I'd been cooking a while when I realized I didn't really have enough chicken for us all. It's been a long time but I turned my old stand by tinned fish. Tinned pink salmon today. I'm fully aware of how fragile my hold on this thing is now, so missing substantial protein or skimping on veges just isn't an option right now.

Well it tasted great, it was easy and there was plenty of it. It will fit in with the eating plan I'm intending to follow and the calories will be low enough for it to contribute to weight loss. All good.

It's funny how I've snapped back into being bothered putting more effort into preparing better food. I think it's a mixture of being hungry enough to care about it, not so hungry that I can't wait for it (I do snack on veges while I'm doing food prep though), and really caring about getting the food combination that will satisfy me and keep me calm.

Today was a day with an especially low level of time for pleasing myself, so no photo. I did take one of yesterday's yummy, healthy satisfying meal though. This risotto I don't think of it as being super easy to prepare because of the need to stand stirring it. It didn't actually take that long though. It didn't turn out all that perfectly but I was happy with it.



Chicken risotto with salad.

First Post or Second Anniversary

Day 1

Two years ago today I started my first substantial, successful weight loss. It was temporarily successful. It wasn't sustained. I lost steadily for 10 months. I have some nice graphs of that time.



































Unfortunately the real life graph kept on going to make this one.




I fought to keep my weight near its lowest number for about 7 months then regained it all.


Those red dots are from the records I was keeping then - the blue line is a pretty good approximation of what I remember.


What will happen now? It's too soon to be really sure, but this seems like a good time to start again and do it better.

I've found that in the past, I've been able to use some kind of trigger to switch myself into healthy mode. Today, I'm hoping that starting this blog will be that trigger.

Starting again on my anniversary seems accidental to me. I didn't consciously plan it. However I think it will be a help. Starting the blog now will help too. It's been too easy for me previously to find things difficult and say to myself that I will start again later. Now I've started. There is something special about right now. If I don't keep going now, it may be very hard to get back to a good place like this again, so I'm aiming to keep going.

I think this time of year probably works to help me too. It's easier to eat healthily with summer fruit around and cheerful weather. I remember thinking the first time round that Christmas would be a major hurdle, so early into the process, but I was so psyched that it turned out not to be. It was not good last year though.

At any rate, I'm feeling pretty hopeful. I was quite excited about this last night and though I went to bed too late, I had a hard time getting to sleep because of that.